Marriage & Meme Warfare

Girl-Smoking

I was trapped.

Try as I might, I couldn’t wake up out of the nightmare. They had me surrounded, and their brightly painted nails & horn-rimmed glasses inched closer, emboldened by my weak-seeming defense.

They crowded round like vultures, anticipating the coming kill with unabashed relish.

Their scarily painted faces, & loud shiny attire did not add any pleasantness to the ordeal.

Their jowls quivered as they leered at me. I could see a lifetime of anxieties & regrets in their bulging eyes. And anger, so much repressed anger. And they were out to fix the wrongs that had been done to them. However, not having the competence & intelligence to fix their problems themselves, they farmed it out to us, the younger generation.

“‘You’re already 30”, crowed one particularly salty aunt. It seemed that the bigger her derriere got, the more her unpleasantness blossomed.

“There will be no good girls left if you wait” One concern troll grunted.

‘”Erm, have you seen the girls around? There’s no good girls left anyway. They’re now a minority here in Mumbai. And good competent guys too, as female friends tell me”

It’s a sea of filthy unwashed masses, atleast when it came to marriage. Tired, unhealthy, overworked, stressed-out people don’t make good partners. Who would have imagined? /s

“Maybe I’ll marry a south Indian girl” I crooned nonchalantly. My counter-offensive had begun.

“South Indian girls are sweet. And even pahadi girls” I added, savouring the powershift. An especially crabby-looking gujju uncle looked like he was going to burst an artery.

‘You know, what’s even the point of getting married. Most of you have been married a long time, and none of you seems to be particularly happy. I’d be completely depressed if I had to spend the rest of my life with someone like one of these “aunties”.’

Boom! Nuclear warhead detonated. It was total annihilation.

Meme warfare works best, when there’s a kernel of truth in there somewhere. I noticed realisation in the male relatives within earshot. They knew I was right, and sheepishly accepted defeat. The women looked at each other, ancient feminine anxieties triggered.

With a few choice maneuvers, the old guard had been destroyed. It was our time now.

My mom was going get an earful from her relatives soon. Casualty of war, I shrugged it off.

Maybe this sort of guerilla warfare is the only thing that works. Going toe to toe with the ogre army would be foolishness, seeing as how outnumbered the bright shining youth are. But the oldies, used to bullying & arguing their way to get what they want, had no countermeasures to this sort of blitz, which young people nowadays are particularly competent at.

Lady friends, if an annoying aunt comes up to you at a wedding, elbowing you in the sides sniggering, ‘You’re next’, do the same to her at the next funeral. See how soon they stop doing that.

Meme warfare is real. Weaponised Autism saves. Spread the word.

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Things I Would Do If I Were An Evil Villain

Dr Evil finger

Can I get a hug?

Things I would do if I were an evil villain

Warning: read this list at your own risk. You will not be able to watch a movie and not notice these tropes again.

Trope Definition
Here again, instead of Websters, I’ll use the ever witty & increasing relevant Urban Dictionary. Here’s the UD definition of the word.

Trope: Despite the erroneous definitions already published here, TROPE on the interwebs really refers to an often overused plot device. It can also be described as another variation on the same theme. TV shows, movies, comics, games, anime & books are full of tropes & many rabid fan-sites now name & track said tropes with a self-explanatory title for each one.

1. When I have the hero cornered, I would just shoot him. No long speeches, no lengthy explanations of how he/his family/his friends/his community have hurt my wee li’l feelings, and how I plan on exacting revenge and how much satisfaction I’ll derive from his demise. If I’m feeling particularly verbose, I’ll kill him first, then give him a speech or a spiffy one liner. Essentially, I’ll save the gloating for later.

So many movie plot twists have occurred because of the villain wasting time and words on a hero, who is then rescued just in time or has time to think and figures out a plan of escape.

2. When I have the gun on my arch enemy, I’ll maintain my distance. Guns are meant to shoot at a distance, so I won’t just go up to him and hold it to his head, even though it looks much cooler that way.

At the same time, I’ll keep an eye out for any stuff within arms reach of the hero which he can use as a projectile weapon.

Better yet, if I need him alive, I’ll just shoot his arms and legs so he can’t use them. Alternatively, if I need him to walk or use his hands, then I’ll just shoot his arms or feet respectively.

3. I won’t be so overconfident as to give the hero a fighting chance to save himself. I’ll assume he’s stronger than me, and won’t waste the opportunity on such trivialities such as honour. I am the villain after all. Sportsmanship is for wusses.

4. I won’t leave the hero to fate, or presume he is dead. Two extra shots, one to the head, one to the heart just to make sure. Decapitation will be preferred.

5. I won’t leave an arch enemy on a downward sloping prison that leads to a sheer cliff face, just to make him suffer. Nor will I keep him alive just to make him watch the destruction of his family/love interest/planet. I’m fucking going to be killing him, how much worse can it get for him?

6. If killing him is not enough to satiate me, I’ll go do a course of meditation or something to get over my bloodthirst. Remember, anger hurts ourselves before it hurts others.

7. If I want someone assassinated, I won’t hire a cut rate assassin who’s likely to fail, just to save some money. I’ll get the best of the lot.

8. I’ll make sure there’s no way to stop the countdown on the doomsday device. Better yet I won’t even have a visible countdown so no one knows it’s already underway.

If I’m feeling even more evil I’ll have a clock where the destruction actually happens at 5 hours 45 minutes, but no one knows that but me.

9. As to the matter of hacking into the system, I won’t have it connected to the network/Internet/WAN, and I won’t have a hackable password or security holes that could be exploited.

10. The keypad to open the security doors won’t just open them when it is smashed or shot. That’s the stupidest vulnerability I can think of. Even a ten year old should catch it.

11. Passwords would be atleast 16 digits, and usually a phrase that no one except me would be able to guess. (D0nk3yB@llzB00g3rBr3@thM0nk3y)

12. There won’t be a big Red switch which when pressed aborts the doomsday sequence.

Why have any such switch at the console.
Evil villain level 99 : I’ll have that switch, which will be secretly electrified. If anyone tries to press it, voila! Instant brain roast.

13. I will have multiple secret lairs with the same equipment and high levels of redundancy so that if one is taken out, another will take its place. If money is tight, I’ll try to do as much via software as possible and outsource tech support to the Philippines.

This is a work in progress, as villainy as an art is an iterative process. I’ll add to this list from time to time as I think of more stuff and others share their own insights. Happy hunting!

Love,

Yash

All Aboard The Marriage Carriage!

Marriage Level Up

Marriage Level Up!

Old school and college friends are getting married one by one now.

They’re dropping like flies, whatcha gonna do now?

The ones who took the plunge, I’m happy for you,

The ones who are still resisting, you have my respect.

This whole deal is like Russian Roulette,

The ones engaged, your lives are hanging,

By a thread,

Let’s see who’s the last one standing.

-6th September, 2014

Originally posted at

https://www.facebook.com/notes/yash-chheda/all-aboard-the-marriage-carriage/10152716072376972